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Monday, April 15, 2013

WrestleMania XXIX

Pre-Show Match for the Intercontinental Championship: Wade Barrett [c] VS The Miz

-Jost Matthews & Matt Striker have the call. I'm surprised they'd let Striker anywhere near a commentator's table again. Has anyone fallen so far, so fast in terms of WrestleMania positioning than the Miz? From winning the main event over Cena two years ago, to an afterthought in a 12 man tag last year to not even making the main show. Barrett's been jobbing so much that I was surprised they even bothered with making this match at all.

They go at a pretty brisk pace. Miz slides under the ropes and gets Barrett into a rollup for two. Barrett elevates Miz in the corner and hits a kick to the gut to take control. Barrett sets Miz up in another corner, and hits a running punt to the ribs for two, before tying Miz in the ropes to deliver some knees. Miz comes back with the Reality Check for two. Miz blocks Wasteland, then Barrett blocks the SCF before Miz runs into a black hole slam for two. Barrett loads up the Bull Hammer, but Miz ducks and gets the figure four. Barrett makes it to the ropes, then quickly hits Wasteland for two. Barrett complains to the ref, then walks into a pretty slick takedown into the figure four, and Barrett taps to give Miz the title for about 25 hours at 4:06. They tried to cram 15 minutes worth of stuff into four, and almost pulled it off. Nice finish, if nothing else.

-Miz celebrates, and can't even do a babyface title celebration without coming off like a huge douche.

-Main Show

-Your hosts are King, Cole, & JBL

-The opening video makes the X-Seven opening look subdued in terms of total pretentiousness.

-The New Jersey National Guard stand on top of the entrance ramp and hold flags.

-Now it's opening video #2, this one actually about WrestleMania itself. Six minutes in, we finally get the proper opening. Is it any wonder this show had timing problems?

-Match 1: Sheamus, Randy Orton, & Big Show VS The Shield

-I figured the world title would be opening again, but this was a much better choice. Sheamus & Reigns slug it out to start. Sheamus blocks a hiptoss and hits a punch to the head followed by a clothesline for one, then tags in Orton. Orton goes for the Garvin Stomp, but Reigns cuts him off and tags Rollins. Orton catches Rollins coming in with a dropkick, and hits some corner punches followed by a suplex. Sheamus gets back in, but Rollins hits a low dropkick to the knee and tags Ambrose. Sheamus catches Ambrose with a powerslam for two. Sheamus looks to tag Orton, but Show makes sure he gets in.

Show tears off Ambrose's vest and hits a big chop. Ambrose tries to fire back and talk shit, and takes several chops for his troubles. Ambrose clips Show and tags Rollins. Rollins kicks Show down for two, getting launched on the kickout. Tag to Reigns, who drops Show for another near-fall. Back to Ambrose to continue the beatdown, and I have to question the logic of having Show be the one playing face-in-peril. Rollins gets in, and hits a couple flying knees for two. Back to Reigns, who goes for a chinlock.

Show hits a side suplex to escape the chinlock. Rollins gets the tag and knocks Orton off the apron, but Show tosses Rollins and tags Sheamus. Sheamus hits a high knee, tears Rollins' vest, and does the Irish Hand Grenade (I know it has a different name, but I always loved that one). Rollins tags Ambrose, who gets more of the same. Sheamus hits Ambrose, then Rollins with Finlay Rolls. Sheamus goes up, but gets pulled to the floor by Reigns. The Shield swarm Sheamus on the floor, then Rollins hits a suicide dive on Orton when he tries to help.

The Shield go for the triple powerbomb on Sheamus, but Show spears all three to break that up. Sheamus crawls to the corner to tag Show, but Orton tags himself in, pissing Show off. Orton tees off on Ambrose, hitting a snap powerslam and the draping DDT. Orton calls for the RKO and catches a flying Rollins with one, but eats a spear from Reigns, and Ambrose gets the pin at 9:31. Good opener, even if it wasn't up to the level of the Shield's previous PPV efforts, but that is an ridiculously high bar to reach. It is nice that they actually paid off the whole "team vs three individuals" build instead of ignorning it to give the faces the win, which is what I thought they'd do.

-The Shield promptly take off through the crowd, and Show vents his frustrations by hitting both of his partners with the WMD punch. Show becomes one of the few heels to actually get boo'ed on this show.

-They air a Cena/Rock video that they've been showing for weeks.

-HEY LOOK, IT'S SNOOKI!

-Match 2: Mark Henry VS Ryback

-Ryback's special WM pyro is less impressive than his normal pyro. They do a stalemate then slugfest, and the crowd immediately turns on Ryback. Ryback gets Henry reeling, but Henry catches him with a pancake for the first knockdown. There's a small "Sexual Chocolate" chant as Ryback goes for Shellshocked, but Henry blocks and drops him across the top rope, then knocks him off the apron. Henry goes to work on the back, and locks on a bearhug. That kills the crows for a bit. Henry then clotheslines Ryback out over the top, and gets a pop for yelling "THAT'S WHAT I DO!".

Henry wins a slugfest, and it's back to the bearhug. Ryback fights out, but Henry hits a slam, and it's back to the bearhug again. Ryback fights back and hits the meathook clothesline. Ryback gets Henry up for Shellshocked, and Henry's facial expression is priceless. Henry grabs the ropes so Ryback can't finish the move, and Ryback's back gives out, causing Henry to fall on him, and that's enough for the pin at 8:00. I didn't get the finish watching it live, but it makes more sense when I'm able to pay complete attention to the match. I still question the sanity of jobbing Ryback here, especially when...

-Henry goes for a heel beatdown, but takes a spinebuster, and Shellshocked (which was the whole reason for this match to be booked in the first place) to completely negate the psychology of the match.

-The crew play the the WWE Rumblers. JBL tries to break his Rey Mysterio toy.

-WWE is now a founding partner of the 2014 Special Olympics. Yay...? They waste more time with a video and having Gov. Christie come on stage with some people from the games.

-Match 3 for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Hell No [c] VS Dolph Ziggler & Big E. Langston (w/AJ Lee)

-In a nice callback to last year, Dolph gets a good luck kiss from AJ, and Bryan hits a roundhouse kick to Ziggler's head for two. Bryan lands some more kicks, but Dolph ducks the buzzsaw kicks and dives to tag Langston. Bryan tags Kane to make it a battle of the hosses. Big E shows off his strength by catching Kane and hitting a couple backbreakers. Kane scores with a boot to the face and goes for the chokeslam, but Big E powers out of that, and runs into Kane to knock him down before tagging Ziggler. Ziggler hits a dropkick for two, and tags Langston back in. Langston pounds on Kane, but lowers his head and takes a DDT for it.

Ziggler gets in and cuts off a tag, but Kane promptly makes a comeback and hits a sidewalk slam for two. Ziggler avoids a flying clothesline and hits a famouser for two. Ziggler flies off the top, but takes a punch to the face on the way down. Kane covers for two, but Langston breaks that up with a splash. Bryan takes Langston out with a knee to the face. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for two, then tries to KO Kane with the Money in the Bank briefcase. Kane ducks that and hits a chokeslam, setting up Bryan for the diving headbutt to finish at 6:13. Not much to this, and there would be better times ahead for Ziggler.

-Hell No hug it out, and Bryan embraces the power of YES!

-John Cena plugs the Make-A-Wish Foundation. You want to know why he's not turning heel any time soon? Watch this video.

-Match 4: Fandango (w/Dance Partner) VS Chris Jericho

-Both guys get star entrances. Is there a guy who's had his fortunes change more in a year than Fandango? He went from winning NXT Season 3 (as Johnny Curtis) to doing goofy backstage skits and getting killed by Mark Henry to getting a new gimmick (with his name misspelled in the first vignette) to having the idea shelved to having it brought back and given a big push. He's also went from getting "you can't wrestle" chants to having his theme music sang by the crowd on the post-WrestleMania Raw. Amazing.

Fandango does some dancing to start, and walks right into a double-leg takedown. Jericho dominates the first couple minutes. Fandango dances again, this time right into a codebreaker, which sends Fandango outside. JBL says Fandango has no shot, just in case you didn't know who was going over. Jericho continues his dominance, but goes for the springboard apron dropkick, and Fandango counters with a sweet enziguiri that the crowd greatly appreciates. That gets two, and Fandango gets his first real offense. Fandango goes for a chinlock and Jericho has a cut from that enziguiri.

Jericho comes back and hits a double axe handle off the top. Jericho misses a bulldog, but hits a Thesz Press and punches, followed by an enziguiri for two. Jericho almost overshoots on a cross-body, which gets two. Jericho misses a charge, and smashes his shoulder into the ringpost. Fandango follows up with a Downward Spiral and hits his finisher, a legdrop off the top, for two. Not sure why you'd have a guy's finisher get kicked out of IN HIS VERY FIRST MATCH, but maybe they're planning on giving him another finisher, since he seems to hurt his tailbone everytime he does it.

Jericho counters a rana and almost gets the Walls. Fandango fights out and goes up top, but Jericho knocks him down. Fandango fights off a superplex, but misses the legdrop. Jericho hits a Lionsault but tweeks his knee. Jericho goes for the Walls, but Fandango counters into a small package for the pin at 9:11. Decent enough debut for Fandango. He could have a future as a heel who takes an ass-whipping only to escape with the win unless they decide to turn him face.

-More time waisting with Miz's K-Mart commercial, and a replay of the last few moments of the IC title match.

-Next it's a hype video for The Rock, then another video highlighting past WrestleMania moments. Shouldn't these have gone before the main event?

-P. Diddy performs, wasting more time.

-Match 5 for the World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto Del Rio [c] (w/Ricardo Rodriguez) VS Jack Swagger (w/Zeb Coulter)

-Poor Swagger gets jobber intro'd so Coulter can do another promo and fully illustrate that he's meant to be a complete paranoid racist and not someone who has legit concerns about illegal immigration. Del Rio gets a hot start, but Coulter provides a distraction, allowing Swagger to go on offense. ADR gets a crucifix rollup out of nowhere for two, but Swagger hits a kick to the face and the Swagger Bomb for two. ADR makes a comeback and tries to get the crowd into it, but it doesn't go very well. ADR stomps on Coulter's hand, then hits a superkick on Swagger for two.

Swagger blocks the cross-armbreaker, then hits a slam for two before getting the Patriot Lock. ADR counters, then misses an enziguiri. ADR does crotch Swagger on the second turnbuckle as he tries the Swagger Bomb, then hits punches to the kidneys in the corner followed by a backstabber for two. ADR hits a German suplex, a move I never though I'd see in WWE again, as the crowd care so much about this match that they chant "WE WANT ZIGGLER!". Swagger hits the gutwrench powerbomb for two, and goes back to the Patriot Lock. ADR manages to counter that and after a fight from Swagger, get the cross-armbreaker.

Swagger counters that back into the Patriot Lock as they are trying for a Angle VS Benoit tribute. Swagger tries another gutwrench powerbomb, but ADR lands on his feet, and hits a roundhouse kick to the head to put both guys down. ADR hits his running enziguiri, and Coulter puts Swagger's foot on the ropes at two. Ricardo stupidly goes after Coulter, which draws ADR out to defend him and allows Swagger to attack ADR from behind. Swagger throws ADR back in the ring, but stops to talk shit to Ricardo on his way back in, and that allows ADR to get the cross-armbreaker out of nowhere for the submission at 10:26. The crew say "great match" with absolutely zero enthusiasm. This was alright, but not WM world title match worthy. The angle surrounding it didn't help things either.

-WWE loves the troops.

-Match 6: CM Punk (w/Paul Heyman) VS The Undertaker

-Punk has Living Colour play his entrance them live. Hey! A WM entrance them performance where the lead singer actually remembers the words! UT's entrance with tortured souls grabbing at his ankles is pretty sweet. Punk bitch-slaps UT to start and runs, getting UT to chase him and then take advantage when they get back in the ring. UT comes back, and beats the shit out of Punk on the outside, prepping the Spanish announce table as he does. Back in, UT goes for Old School, but Punk blocks with an armdrag.

Punk goes Old School, and actually connects with it. Punk follows up with a Russian leg sweep for two. Punk gets a keylock, but UT fights his way out. UT goes for a running boot in the corner, but Punk ducks out of the away. Punk hits a neckbreaker for two, then goes to work on the arm and shoulder of UT. UT hits a couple punches to the head, but Punk ducks another punch, and hits a swinging neckbreaker for two.

Punk tries Old School again, but gets crotched on the top rope. UT goes after Heyman, and Punk takes advantage with a springboard clothesline for two. Punk hits the Savage Elbow for two, but UT slides out of the GTS, and hits a chokeslam for two. UT wins a slugfest then hits Snake Eyes, but Punk blocks the running big boot with a heel kick for two. Punk clotheslines UT outside and further preps the announce table. UT goes for a Last Ride through the table, but Punk slides out and hits a roundhouse kick to knock UT onto the table. Punk hits the Shane McMahon Elbow and the table...doesn't budge. I'm sure that felt wonderful for both.

UT barely makes it back in the ring at nine. Punk crawls right into Hell's Gate, and manages to awkwardly counter that into a rollup for two. Punk gets the Anaconda Vice. Punk gets UT down for two, but when UT sitsup while still in the hold, Punk shits a brick. UT blocks the GTS again, and hits a tombstone for two. UT wins another slugfest and tries a chokeslam, but Punk shoves the ref down and Heyman distracts UT. Punk goes for the running knee in the corner. UT counters into the Last Ride, but Punk gets the urn from Heyman and clocks UT with it. That gets two.

Punk does the UT taunts and goes for the GTS again. That sets off a reveral sequence as they counter the other's finisher, until UT hits the tombstone, and it's 21-0 at 21:56. UT reclaims the urn after the pin. Once again the streak match steals the show. Not sure if this is on par with the HBK matches, but it was very good, especially with a somewhat flat angle heading into it.

-Another Cena hype video. *sigh*

-Match 7: Brock Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman) VS Triple H (w/Shawn Michaels) [No Holds Barred, Triple H's Career On the Line]

-Yeah, I'd sure hate for HHH to lose and not be able to wrestle once or twice a year anymore. HBK comes out first, then Brock, then HHH for some reason. HHH has something on his midsection for most of his entrance, which gave him some bad burns. Oh well, one can't grieve forever.

They immediately slug it out and go outside. The crowd is deathly silent. Brock sends HHH over the barricade then grabs a chair, but gets caught with a clothesline coming over the barricade himself. They get back in the ring and HHH catches Brock with a high knee. HHH throws Brock outside and slams him into the ring steps. Brock catches HHH with an overhead throw, which momentarily wakes up the crowd. Brock then slams HHH through the stubborn Spanish announce table, then does a really silly yell into the camera.

Brock hits another throw onto the remnants of the table. Brock stops to go after HBK who bravely...runs away like a little bitch. Back in, Brock stomps away in the corner. Brock absorbs a facebuster, and hits a clothesline for two. Brock hits a third overhead throw, and I'm having Royal Rumble 2003 flashbacks, only with a silent crowd instead of an actively hostile one. Brock hits a German suplex and the crowd is so dead you can hear Heyman's shit-talk clear as day.

Brock throws HHH outside and backs down HBK, allowing HHH to get up and surprise Brock with a clothesline. HHH sends Brock into the timekeeper's area, and hits a chairshot to the back. Back in, Brock ducks a clothesline and hits a German suplex for two. Both Heyman and HBK get on the apron, so Brock knocks HBK down. HHH hits a spinebuster and tries to fire up, but the crowd couldn't care less. Brock blocks a Pedigree and goes for an F-5, but he has to let HHH go to block a superkick from HBK and hit him with an F-5. Brock turns into a botched Pedigree for two.

HHH grabs the trusty sledgehammer, but Brock ducks a shot and hits the F-5 for two. The crowd is finally getting into this thirteen minutes in. Back outside, Brock hits a chairshot to the back, then whips HHH shoulder-first into the steps. Brock grabs the steps and cracks HHH in the head as the crowd goes silent again. Back in the ring, Brock hits another Brock yells at HHH to retire, and gets bitch-slapped for it. Brock blocks the Pedigree and gets a kimura (working version). The crowd cares so much for HHH's welfare that the only audible reaction is a small "break his arm" chant.

Brock wraps himself around HHH while maintaining the hold, and HHH escapes via a spinebuster. Brock accidentally rams his shoulder into the ringpost, and HHH makes things worse with a low blow. HHH wraps Brock's arm around the post and hits it with a chair. Heyman tries to interfere, but takes a superkick from HBK instead. Brock hangs in the kimura a long time before walking HHH over to the steps and dropping him onto them. They go through this two more times, with HHH countering the drop with a DDT onto the steps on the third go-round.

Sledgehammer shot and Pedigree on the steps get HHH his win back at 23:44. I liked this a lot more live, since I didn't notice the dead crowd, but holy hell does this match stink on re-watch. Probably because everyone knew the outcome and they never moved at a pace faster than neutral. It's sad, but not surprising, to see HBK reduced to being HHH's damsel-in-distress.

-Extreme Rules promo.

-"Pain & Gain" starring The Rock trailer.

-Hall of Fame recap, then the honorees are brought out to the stage.

-WrestleMania XXX (the number thirty, not a porno you pervs) promo.

-The attendance is announced. Who knows how accurate it is.

-Match 8 for the WWE Championship: The Rock [c] VS John Cena

-After all the video packages and special entrances in the undercard, the two simply walk to the ring to their entrance music. Pretty underwhelming start. Really slow start as they are clearly getting ready to go long. JBL tries to make some asinine point that if Cena loses, he'll have the stigma of not being able to "win the big one" despite being a ten-time world champion at this point. They finally get going, triggering the traditional "Let's Go Cena!" "Cena Sucks!" dueling chant, which the crowd doesn't seem to really get into, and it doesn't last long. They take turns pounding each other down, which doesn't move the crowd at all, and Cena makes things worse by going for a chinlock.

Rock escapes and gets a headlock, triggering a small "boring" chant. Cena stomps Rock down, but misses an elbowdrop, and Rock comes back with a Samoan drop. Cena ends a slugfest with his shitty fisherman's suplex for two. They start opening up again. Rock blocks the STF, then soon after the blue thunder bomb before getting a sharpshooter. Cena gets out and hits the blue thunder bomb, but misses on the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Rock hits a spinebuster and a DDT, but Cena blocks Rock Bottom, and gets a crossface, which Cole mistakenly calls the STF.

Rock reverses into a pin to force Cena to break. Cena comes back with a catapult, blue thunder bomb, and Five Knuckle Shuffler. Rock escapes the AA and hits a spinebuster, but Cena catches Rock preparing for the People's Elbow, and gets the STF. Rock powers out of that, and catches a charging Cena with a Rock Bottom for two. Rock in turn walks into an Attitude Adjustment for two. Cena goes up, but misses the flying famouser. Rock quickly hits a spinebuster, followed by the People's Elbow for two. Rock wins a slugfest, then slides out of an AA attempt to hit Rock Bottom #2 for two.

In a mirror of last year's finish, Rock goes for a second People's Elbow, this time with the "You Can't See Me" taunt, but Cena pops up, and hits AA #2 for two. They slug it out again, and Cena gets a schoolboy for two, followed by his own Rock Bottom at two. In another callback to last year, Cena goes for the People's Elbow, but this time sees Rock pop up. Rock counters the AA again, however, and hits Rock Bottom #3 for two. They take turns countering each other's finisher a couple times, then Rock hits a DDT.

Rock tries Rock Bottom again, but Cena counters, and finally hits AA #3 to get his win back and world title #11 at 23:25. This was a huge step down from last year, in terms of interest, crowd excitement, and match quality. The crowd wasn't into this for the most part, and only got into it for a little bit when they started throwing bombs at each other. The problem with doing a match like this with two workers that have very limited movesets is that their finishers are all they have to use, so you see the same thing over and over.

-Mutual admiration society closes the show, which half the crowd shits on.

-FINAL THOUGHTS: This show really got killed by the booking leading up to and during the show, and that was compounded by the ridiculously poor time management. The undercard is OK if predictable, but the final two matches weren't particularly good, and didn't deliver anything at all that was surprising in the least. The Raw the night after WrestleMania is turning into the biggest show of the year now.
 

 

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