ECW Cyberslam '99

-From The Bingo Hall in Philly
-Your host is Joey Styles
-Match 1: Yoshihiro Tajiri VS Jerry Lynn

-Crowd is all about Lynn, giving him a big "New Fuckin' Show" chant before the ring intros. This is clean-shaven short trunks Tajiri here. Lynn blocks a kick to the ribs and applies a leglock. Tajiri wins a fight over the leglock, and applies a bow-and-arrow, before Lynn falls on top for one. Lynn stretches Tajiri, who escapes before running into a flying headscissors and a spinning heel kick. Tajiri rolls outside, where Lynn meets him with a plancha.

Tajiri catches Lynn with some kicks, and applies the taurantula. Tajiri hits a handspring elbow to knock Lynn outside, then suplexes Lynn into the crowd. Tajiri has to wait a few seconds for Lynn to get up, then hits him with an Asai moonsault when he does. Tajiri bridges out of a rana-rollup, then gets one of his own for two. Lynn counters a suplex, and hits an inverted DDT for two. Tajiri hits a couple of his trademark stiff kicks to the chest. Lynn no-sells two of them, but a third puts him down.

Lynn reverses a whip, and follows in with a dropkick. Lynn hits a couple chops, then Tajiri comes back with a chop followed by a roundhouse kick to the head. Lynn gets tied to the Tree of Woe, and takes a baseball slide to the face. That gets two, as Lynn grabs the ropes. They both scale the turnbuckles. After Tajiri blocks a sunset bomb, Lynn changes it into a running Liger bomb for two. Tajiri comes back with a low dropkick to the knee, and La Mahistrol for two, as Lynn's foot gets in the ropes. Lynn then promptly hits a clothesline and cradle piledriver to finish. Styles' surprised reaction to Lynn's finisher means it must be the first time he used it. Match was decent before the really abrupt finish. Seemed like they couldn't piece together a finishing stretch, and Lynn just said "fuck it, I'll end it this way".

-Lance Storm (donning a "Monday Night Jericho" shirt) comes to the ring with Dawn Marie. Crowd chants for Jericho, and Storm says that must be because the fans are Jerichoholics because Jericho is from Calgary...Alberta, Canada. Storm is upset because Tommy Dreamer has been stating that Storm is on steroids. Storm acknowledges the "Happy Birthday" chants, but requests they leave that for later. Storm says he worked his ass off to get his physique, which is something the couch potatoes in the front row and the wannabe atheletes in the back can't appreciate. Storm says he's "the best built athelete this side of a negative drug test". Storm produces a vile of urine, and states that he's willing to take a piss test, and that since Dreamer, once upon a time, was in shape despite not even knowing a guy named Jim, must be on something.

Dreamer comes out to answer the challenge. Cyrus provides a distraction, and Storm goes on the attack. That doesn't last long, as Dreamer hits a DDT in short order, then dumps the urine in Storm's face. I can't help but notice that didn't answer the accusations of steroid use either way. I've always though talk about steroids was verboten in wrestling, but I can't be surprised ECW would break that barrier.

-Match 2: Rod Price (w/Skull Von Krush) VS Nova

-Nova quickly hits a hiptoss and a legdrop. Price gets into it with Straw Hat Guy. Price gets some jobber offense in, and I'm already waiting for this to be over. Price hits an avalanche, then a powerslam. Nova hits a clothesline off the second rope for two. Krush (the future Big Vito) pulls Nova outside and attacks him, until Chris Chetti rushes out to save Nova. As those two slug it out, Price hits Nova with a chair to the back, then goes after Chetti.

Nova hits a baseball slide on Price. Chetti hits a springboard dive on Krush, then Nova hits a suicide dive on Price. Chetti & Nova hit the Tidal Wave on Price, and Nova gets the pin. This sucked even for the short time it lasted. Pretty ass-backward way for a babyface to win too.

-Krush & Price get into an arguement. Price attacks Krush, but ends up taking a swinging implant DDT for his efforts.

-Match 3: El Mosco VS Super Crazy

-I have no idea who Mosco is. They go through a series of counters and reversals to start. They go through a ridiculously choreographed series that ends up with them trading armdrags. The crowd loves this shit. Crazy misses a move and flies outside, where Mosco quickly hits a running springboard dive to the outside. Mosco does a headstand on the apron, and ends up getting wheelbarrowed onto the guardrail for it. Crazy puts Moso in the crowd, then hits the Crazy Special (springboard Asai Moonsault into the crowd). Joey says we're watching the best of lucha libre here. Somehow I doubt that.

Crazy hits a second rope moonsault for two. Top rope moonsault almost misses as Mosco was trying to move. That gets two. Crazy gets ten punches in the corner (with the crowd counting in Spanish). Mosco comes off the top with a hurricarana which sends Crazy outside, then Mosco hits a hilo to the floor. Back in, Mosco hits a springboard hurricarana off the top for two. Back outside, Mosco tries to hit another rana, but Crazt alley-oops him into the crowd, then adds an Asai moonsault off the guardrail. Back in, Crazy misses a splash off the top, and Mosco gets two. Mosco gets a fancy rollup into a submission as Styles suddenly stops talking. I'm guessing the commentary was cut here for some reason.

They go through another series of rollups. Crazy tries, but can't quite do, a Jannetty sell off a clothesline, and Mosco gets two. Mosco hits a Skytwister Splash for two. Mosco sets Crazy up top then slams him. Mosco moonsault hits feet to the face, then Crazy hits a snap powerbomb for two. Crazy goes up, but gets caught with a sunset bomb for two. Crazy botches a tilt-a-whirl back breaker, then hits an awkward frog splash for the pin. This was pretty much a template for those RoH matches from a few years ago, where they would try to elevate two lower-carder guys buy having them go all out. The stupid bullshit in the beginning aside, this was pretty good for the style it was wrestled in.

-Match 4: Papi Chulo VS Taka Michinoku

-Match quickly spills outside. Taka goes back in, and hits his no-hands springboard plancha. Taka hits a backbreaker, then applies a single-leg crab, but Chulo quickly grabs the ropes. Taka hits some stiff chops I didn't think he had in him. Chulo hits a fancy armdrag followed by a spinning heel kick. Chulo slams Taka, but misses a 450. Taka goes up, but gets crotched, and Chulo hits a springboard hurricarana for two. Taka comes back with a tornado DDT for two.

Chulo backdrops Taka outside, but then runs into a forearm to the face. Taka flies, but gets caught with a dropkick in mid-air. Taka fires back, but Chulo blocks another tornado DDT, and hits a sloppy missile dropkick. Taka rolls outside, and Chulo somersaults over the turnbuckles onto Taka. Chulo sets Taka up top, then hits a dropkick. Taka hits a running knee to the face, then a dropkick to the back of the head. Chulo blocks the Michinoku Driver, then hits a rana-rollup for two. Taka hits a slam, but misses a moonsault. Taka counters a powerbomb, then counters yet another rana into a powerbomb before finishing with an inverted suplex into a Michinoku Driver for the academic pin. This was a stunt show in the vein of the previous match, just not as long. No selling, and no psychology.

-Match 5 for the ECW Television Championship: Rob Van Dam [c] (w/Bill Alfonso) VS Too Cold Scorpio

-RVD is also tag champs with Sabu at this point. Feeling out process to start, mixed in with RVD stalling. No Joey on commentary for the first couple minutes. RVD pounds Scorpio, then does a backflip before hitting a low dropkick to the face. RVD ducks a spin kick, then "hits" one of his own. Scorpio shows him how it's done. Scorpion hits an Arabian Press for two, then PASTES RVD flush in the face with a superkick. Scorpio hits a jackhammer, then relaxes off the cover, presumably since RVD is too woozy to kick out.

RVD misses a kick and Scorpio chops away. They blow another spinning kick spot, and RVD ends up falling on top of Scorpio. RVD sends Scorpio into the crowd, then hits a huge plancha off the top. Back in, RVD hits a slingshot legdrop for two, then follows up with Rolling Thunder for two. Scorpio avoids a monkeyflip, then Germans RVD when Van Dam gets caught on the second turnbuckle. Scorpio hits a somersault leg drop off the second rope, and calls for his finish before covering for two instead. Scorpio hits a Samoan fallaway slam, then a big splash off the top for two.

They go outside, where a table bridge has been conveniently set up. Scorpio wants to splash RVD through it, but RVD moves before he can. Back in, Scorpio hits a couple chairshots to the head. Scorpio then places the chair across RVD's face, and hits a legdrop off the top for two. Sabu runs out and attacks Scorpio. Sabu ends up putting Scorpio through the table. RVD rolls Scorpio back in, and hits a slingshot legdrop for two. RVD goes low, but Scorpio counters a powerbomb, and hits one of his own for two.

Fonzie crotches Scorpio on the top rope, then holds a chair in fron of Scorpio's face for the Van Daminator off the top. RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash to finish. Scorpio was trying to get to his feet, but had to fall back down to take the move. This wasn't particularly good. It had no real flow whatsoever, which seemed to be a theme in RVD's TV title matches, save the ones against Lynn (which seemed to have even more stalling in the beginning).

-Scorpio shakes hands with the guys who just cheated to beat him, then pie-faces Fonzie.

-Match 6 for the ECW World Heavyweight Championship: Taz [c] VS Chris Candido (w/Tammy & Steve Corino)

-Candido says he hasn't tapped to all the stuff he had to do in the WWF or all the drugs he's done. Candido propses they make this "FTW" style, meaning a Falls Count Anywhere Match. Taz wins a slugfest, then hits the Brooklyn Boot to send Candido outside. Candido throws Tazz into the crowd, then hits a dive off the top. They brawl through the crowd for a bit. Candido tries to powerbomb Taz on the bleachers, but gets backdropped.

Candido throws Taz through the timekeeper's table, then they go into the crowd again. Taz gets the upperhand, and hits a T-Bone suplex on the stage. Candido slams Taz on the stage, then drops an elbow from the level above them for two. They finally get back in the ring, where Candido hits a delayed vertical suplex, then a diving headbutt for two. Tammy starts yelling "1,2,3", to which the crowd responds by chanting "show your tits".

Taz hits a wheelbarrow slam. Candido comes back with an awkward slingshot belly-to-back suplex for two. Taz counters a hurricarana with a powerbomb for two. Taz takes a boot to the face, but then immediately hits a head-and-arm suplex. Candido goes to the eyes, and hits a powerbomb. Candido goes for the Blonde Bombshell (powerbomb off the top), but Taz fights it off, and hits a head-and-arm suplex off the top.

Tammy hands Candido a chain, and he punches Taz for two. Candido sets a table up in the corner and pounds away. Taz counters a whip into the table, then drives Candido through it with a Tazmission suplex. Candido's hurt his neck, and the ref stops the match. Match started out as a boring brawl and never got much better. Wasn't expecting that finish though.

-Candido gets stretchered out and Joey's commentary seems to be setting him up for a babyface run, but IIRC, it never materialized. A couple people in the crowd aren't happy with Taz, so he responds by attacking Candido and choking him out as Candido taps. The fans that were chanting "fuck you Taz" heartily applaud the move, as do a lot more people. Taz says that's what happens when you fuck with Taz. Does anyone know if this was supposed to be some kind of double-turn that didn't work because of the crowd reaction?

-Before the next match, Shane Douglas cuts a promo, stating that Terry Funk knew his job six years ago was to make Douglas a franchise. I hate promos like that. Douglas challenges Credible to step over the line, and Credible abliges.

-Match 7: Shane Douglas (w/Francine) VS Justin Credible (w/Jason)

-After a slugfest, Douglas hits a bunch of suplexes, followed by a rolling neck snap. Douglas dominates the first few minutes. Jazz is there too in Credible's corner, but doesn't have a name yet. Douglas tries to splash Credible through a table, but Jazz interferes, and Credible throws Douglas through the table. Now it's Credible's turn to work Shane over. Credible controls the next few minutes, with a couple hope spots mixed in.

Credible rams Douglas' head into one of the building's support beams, and that draws the first blood of the show, surprisingly enough. They exchange chops, and Credible goes to the eyes to keep the advantage. After a chinlock, Credible sets up a table, and lands some chops. Douglas blocks a whip into the table, then press slams Credible through it for two. Douglas slaps on a figure 4. Jazz rakes Douglas' eyes to break the hold, kicking off a cat fight with Francine. Credible wants to cane Francine, but Douglas stops that with cane shots of his own.

Credible hits some cane shots, but misses the KO shot, and Douglas hits a leg lariat. Jason goes after Franchise, but gets speared by Francine, and takes a full nelson slam from Douglas. Credible hits a superkick for two, then Douglas gets a rollup for two. Douglas hits a Thesz Press and mounted punches for two. Credible continues the Austin tribute with a Stunner. Credible leaps off the top, but gets caught with an inverted atomic drop, then the Pittsburgh Plunge (fisherman buster) to finish, even though Douglas' shoulders were down too. This was alright for a grudge match, worked more in a traditional style than the other matches on this show.

-Lance Storm attacks Douglas, leading to a huge caning at the hands of Credible. Tommy Dreamer tries to help, but gets laid out with a trash can. Thus the Impact Players are born (I think). Cyrus was in the ring at the end, but didn't do anything.

-Match 8: The Dudley Boyz & Mr. Mustafa (w/Sign Guy Dudley & Joel Gertner) VS Balls Mahoney, Axl Rotten, & New Jack [Ultimate Jeopardy Match]

-Before anyone gets in the cage, Bubba gets on the mic and says that New Jack has decided to not get in the cage tonight. Bubba says he's happy that the fans won't get to see someone they paid to see. Bubba cuts Gertner's intro short. This is ECW's version of War Games.

Balls & D-Von start. Balls controls the segment, including hitting D-Von with THE COOKIE SHEET OF DEATH. Balls hits a frog splash and goes for the cover, but there cannot be a pin until everyone is in the cage. Bubba gets in, but doesn't fare well to start. Balls absorbs some double teams and slugs away on both Dudleys, until Bubba scores with a urinage. Bubba accidentally hits an already bloody D-Von with a trash can lid, and draws a "you fucked up" chant for it.

Axl gets in, and wraps barbed wire across the forehead of D-Von. Bubba takes a shot with the cookie sheet and Balls is busted open. Axl grabs a pair of scissors and jabs it into D-Von's head. D-Von gives Axl a receipt the first chance he gets. Mustafa makes it 3-on-2. Not much of note happens until this segment ends. It takes a moment, but New Jack does make his entrance.

He does the usual, but doesn't get nearly the reaction he usually does. Axl adds some thumbtacks, but ends up getting suplexed onto them. New Jack's music plays for the rest of the match. Bubba uses a mop handle, followed by barbed wire, but New Jack refuses to join everyone else in bleeding. Can't say I blame him. Would you want to risk your blood mixing with these guys? Balls blows fire in Mustafa's face, but then immediately takes 3-D and a double pin. This was the definition of, to steal a phrase from Jerry Lawler, extremely crappy wrestling.

-The Dudleys get the fuck out of dodge, so the babyfaces lock the cage with Mustafa still inside. They put Mustafa on a table, then New Jack does a splash off the cage to put him through it. The faces don't seem to be bothered at all that they lost.

-FINAL THOUGHTS: This was a pretty bad show, especially for something that's supposed to represent the "best of" ECW. There's pretty much nothing worth going out of your way to see here, except maybe the formation of the Impact Players. The good wrestlers had much better matches on other shows, and the bad wrestlers were...bad. I don't think this show really meant much after it happened, but I could be wrong about that.